Thursday, October 04, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
If you are going to be that angry guy that yells on the train I think that you should stand your ground or else stop yelling altogether.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Then I would like a pony.
"My God you are substantially overweight. I never noticed it before but you have seriously got some fucking junk in the trunk there. Also your ears are rather prominent. And did anyone ever tell you that you have a sort of wonky eye? It just sort of zips off to the side without warning, funny how it does that. But yes, I am tall, freakishly tall. Thank you for pointing that out."
"Miller, could you-"
"NO. Take that fucking paperwork and shove it up your fat fucking ass."
"EAT ME, you bottom-feeding bald loser."
Am I having a rough day a work? You could say that.
I don't even live near there and I've only even been there a scant few times but the powers that be have made me so hungry for a decent tune by playing their crappy seventies elevator music that I've started to become a little dazed and disoriented.
I think it should be Punk Rock Thursday and that we should all get down to some nasty nasty headbanging in our respective offices. Or how about Gangsta Rap Friday tomorrow? I have a couple of NWA albums that are just itching to get some play.
I would singlehandedly slay an entire department full of middle management with a Swingline stapler for an office jukebox.
You would not even have to ask me twice.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
During my hiatus I have been doing the usual which is toiling away for the powers that be, going to a lot of rock shows, shaking my fist in anger in regards to the unrighteousness of The Man. I have also been drinking a lot of beer, never fear.
I am dating someone whom I loathe the idea of giving a clever blog nickname to although I suppose I must be all stealth and protect my super secret identity, so let us call him Joe. Joe is good so far but so are all men until they morph into their true freakish subversive sloppy mother-obsessive selves.
I am only joking.
Anyway I am glad to be back and I hope to dazzle you all with my brilliance and beer breath more frequently.
All two of you.
Monday, August 15, 2005
However today I came across a young man who wanted me to know exactly what he was cat-calling about in great detail.
"Hey!" he screamed, "Your ass looks really hot in that dress!!"
What else could I do but yell "thank you" back?
It's true, because they have a FRUIT AND WALNUT SALAD. With YOGURT. And all those things are HEALTHY.
And damned if they haven't plastered cutesy little artfully arranged pictures of their damned apple slices and sugar-coated walnuts all over EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE IN THE CITY OF CHICAGO, because THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THEY CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING ARTERIES.
Go ahead and suck down some fries and a Big Mac while you're at it, because you're going to be eating fruit, and that's totally healthy.
If I see one more picture of that "salad" I may just shove a Granny Smith right up Ronald McDonald's wazoo.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
We could be just like an Old Navy commercial! Think of the morale boost! Before you know it we simple office grunts would be dancing to old Motown hits and smiling cheesily for all and sundry.
Iced coffee drinks for all would be a nice way for the Bossman to say that he cares, too, since obviously he is too cheap to turn the fucking air conditioner up to a reasonable level. Right now everyone is pretty crabby but I think that if one stuck a Dunk-a-Moch-a-ccino in everyone's face, things would improve rapidly.
I am such a great idea woman and am absolutely fucking wasted in my current position.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Why? Well I would like to say that it is because I am simply too busy having mad passionate sex to bother turning on the computer box, or that I have been running marathons, plotting to overthrow the current lack of government, or something equally scintillating.
The fact is that none of these things are true and I just have been doing a lot of working, a lot of going out with the friends, and a lot of swearing regarding the huge influx of tourist-type people that have flooded my dear city.
I hate the Taste of Chicago. There, I said it. It is ri-damn-diculous to pay good money for all those tickets. I like to go and see the bands, but I hate the throngs of silly people wearing far far too little clothing on far far too much body - people who have apparently grown up with no knowledge of that wonderful thing called deodorant.
One thing I do like are those ridiculously sweet Mai Tais because let's face it, there is really nothing quite like schlepping around with a sugary alcoholic monstrosity in the summertime, but in line I am always stuck behind three thousand people from WisCahhhnsin who are dripping sweat and barbeque sauce and a mighty mighty stench and it scares me quite deeply.
And how is your summer?
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
They were a bit spicy but I really didn't think much of that fact until I had to go and ask the big bossman for some petty cash.
As I leaned over his large grownup toy cluttered desk to sign the form something did not feel right and suddenly the loudest belch ever to come from my stomach came screaming forth and flew right into the face of my employer.
No hole opened up in the floor to swallow me and save me from the worst embarrassment of my life so I was forced to shriek EXCUSE ME and run back into my office as he laughed his ass off like the mean mean man that he is.
I am never coming out of here. Never.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I do have my limits and would never drink Strohs out of the can but I don't see the point in paying five dollah for some fancy-dancy German beer when this country makes a damned fine product for which this humble blog is named.
Pale ale, special dark brew, founder's island ancient lager, it's all the same bitter-tasting overpriced yuppie crap to me.
I wonder if this is because they have curried favor with the Big Cheese or whether they are dipping into the holy water on the sly.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
81.9 billion dollars.
I think I might be willing to donate two thirds of my salary toward that figure and hell I would even vote Republican if Bush would beg Congress for even half that amount for something like say, AIDS and cancer research, better public schools, decent government funded healthcare for those who need it.
Instead your and my tax dollars are going marching to war like good little soldiers. Pony up.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Therefore I joined my soon-to-be-abstinent Catholic friends for a Fat Tuesday pub crawl and wound up covered in Mardi Gras beads and overloaded with giant two-liter plastic tankards of cheap beer.
Today I am feeling as if an entire church full of Catholics has congregated in my head and is singing GLORY IN EXCELSIS DEEEO. MILLER YOU ARE NOT SO SMAAART-O. NEXT TIME SAVE IT FOR THE WEEEEEKEND.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Apparently the only solution for parents is to feed children a steady diet of cardboard and crack cocaine so as to avoid having a fat kid, because nobody loves a fat kid.
Miller would like you to know that she is not in any way affiliated with Miller Lite or Miller Brewing Company, although she does enjoy their fine product and would be more than happy to accept free samples in lieu of payment for her endorsement.