Thursday, October 04, 2007
MORE IDEAS FOR INCREASED WORKPLACE PRODUCTIVITY
I believe that being allowed to kick anyone who hands out memos with third-grade-level grammatical errors would greatly improve my morale.
ATTENTION WORLD
Steve Buscemi does not belong in a movie about the Holocaust. Ever.
Monday, October 01, 2007
WORKING ENTIRELY TOO HARD
Someone told me that there is this thing called the internet that folks use in what is called downtime but I am seriously assuming that this is some sort of office urban legend.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL
My co-worker has one nipple pointing straight up toward the sky like a baby bird seeking sustenance. I tried to alert her to this fact by casting pointed looks in its direction and so far she is not picking up on my girl vibes. I am so bad at coming straight out and saying "HEY YOU GOT SOME NIP THERE" that I wish I could just discreetly pass her a note.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I WILL DO IT I'M NOT KIDDING
If I have to pass by another "headline" about Lindsey Lohan on what is supposed to be a legitimate news site I am going to drive to Los Angeles and staple her to a bottle of Antabuse.
OVERHEARD ON THE RED LINE THIS MORNING
"Hey yo, this train smell like SHIT! Or like... some bad queso fundido or something."
If you are going to be that angry guy that yells on the train I think that you should stand your ground or else stop yelling altogether.
If you are going to be that angry guy that yells on the train I think that you should stand your ground or else stop yelling altogether.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
For lunch today I would like to be offered the rest of the day off.
Then I would like a pony.
Then I would like a pony.
THINGS I'D LIKE TO SAY BUT NEVER WILL VOL. II
"God you're TALL. How TALL are you?? You're so TALL. I'll bet you're taller than all the men! Jesus you're TALL."
"My God you are substantially overweight. I never noticed it before but you have seriously got some fucking junk in the trunk there. Also your ears are rather prominent. And did anyone ever tell you that you have a sort of wonky eye? It just sort of zips off to the side without warning, funny how it does that. But yes, I am tall, freakishly tall. Thank you for pointing that out."
"Miller, could you-"
"NO. Take that fucking paperwork and shove it up your fat fucking ass."
"Excuse m-"
"LALALALALALALALA-"
"You're fi-"
"EAT ME, you bottom-feeding bald loser."
Am I having a rough day a work? You could say that.
"My God you are substantially overweight. I never noticed it before but you have seriously got some fucking junk in the trunk there. Also your ears are rather prominent. And did anyone ever tell you that you have a sort of wonky eye? It just sort of zips off to the side without warning, funny how it does that. But yes, I am tall, freakishly tall. Thank you for pointing that out."
"Miller, could you-"
"NO. Take that fucking paperwork and shove it up your fat fucking ass."
"Excuse m-"
"LALALALALALALALA-"
"You're fi-"
"EAT ME, you bottom-feeding bald loser."
Am I having a rough day a work? You could say that.
ROCK THAT JUKEBOX
For some reason this morning I am thinking about the jukebox at Simon's in Andersonville which is a supreme little dive if ever there was. Great selection, good tunes.
I don't even live near there and I've only even been there a scant few times but the powers that be have made me so hungry for a decent tune by playing their crappy seventies elevator music that I've started to become a little dazed and disoriented.
I think it should be Punk Rock Thursday and that we should all get down to some nasty nasty headbanging in our respective offices. Or how about Gangsta Rap Friday tomorrow? I have a couple of NWA albums that are just itching to get some play.
I would singlehandedly slay an entire department full of middle management with a Swingline stapler for an office jukebox.
You would not even have to ask me twice.
I don't even live near there and I've only even been there a scant few times but the powers that be have made me so hungry for a decent tune by playing their crappy seventies elevator music that I've started to become a little dazed and disoriented.
I think it should be Punk Rock Thursday and that we should all get down to some nasty nasty headbanging in our respective offices. Or how about Gangsta Rap Friday tomorrow? I have a couple of NWA albums that are just itching to get some play.
I would singlehandedly slay an entire department full of middle management with a Swingline stapler for an office jukebox.
You would not even have to ask me twice.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
ROLL OUT THE RED COASTERS
I am back. I am well aware that I was sorely missed and that much weeping and rending of garments has been going on in my absence, so please feel free to direct all glory, laud, and Paypal monies to the comments which may or may not be working. I have no idea what the protocol is for long-missing bloggers.
During my hiatus I have been doing the usual which is toiling away for the powers that be, going to a lot of rock shows, shaking my fist in anger in regards to the unrighteousness of The Man. I have also been drinking a lot of beer, never fear.
I am dating someone whom I loathe the idea of giving a clever blog nickname to although I suppose I must be all stealth and protect my super secret identity, so let us call him Joe. Joe is good so far but so are all men until they morph into their true freakish subversive sloppy mother-obsessive selves.
I am only joking.
I think.
Anyway I am glad to be back and I hope to dazzle you all with my brilliance and beer breath more frequently.
All two of you.
During my hiatus I have been doing the usual which is toiling away for the powers that be, going to a lot of rock shows, shaking my fist in anger in regards to the unrighteousness of The Man. I have also been drinking a lot of beer, never fear.
I am dating someone whom I loathe the idea of giving a clever blog nickname to although I suppose I must be all stealth and protect my super secret identity, so let us call him Joe. Joe is good so far but so are all men until they morph into their true freakish subversive sloppy mother-obsessive selves.
I am only joking.
I think.
Anyway I am glad to be back and I hope to dazzle you all with my brilliance and beer breath more frequently.
All two of you.
Monday, August 15, 2005
AND ONE MORE THING
Usually when men yell things at women on the street it is something to the tune of "Yow" or "Hey Baby" or the ever-popular "Woo".
However today I came across a young man who wanted me to know exactly what he was cat-calling about in great detail.
"Hey!" he screamed, "Your ass looks really hot in that dress!!"
What else could I do but yell "thank you" back?
However today I came across a young man who wanted me to know exactly what he was cat-calling about in great detail.
"Hey!" he screamed, "Your ass looks really hot in that dress!!"
What else could I do but yell "thank you" back?
WHAT A KROC
Hey, did you know McDonald's is HEALTHY now?
It's true, because they have a FRUIT AND WALNUT SALAD. With YOGURT. And all those things are HEALTHY.
And damned if they haven't plastered cutesy little artfully arranged pictures of their damned apple slices and sugar-coated walnuts all over EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE IN THE CITY OF CHICAGO, because THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THEY CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING ARTERIES.
Go ahead and suck down some fries and a Big Mac while you're at it, because you're going to be eating fruit, and that's totally healthy.
If I see one more picture of that "salad" I may just shove a Granny Smith right up Ronald McDonald's wazoo.
It's true, because they have a FRUIT AND WALNUT SALAD. With YOGURT. And all those things are HEALTHY.
And damned if they haven't plastered cutesy little artfully arranged pictures of their damned apple slices and sugar-coated walnuts all over EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE IN THE CITY OF CHICAGO, because THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THEY CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING ARTERIES.
Go ahead and suck down some fries and a Big Mac while you're at it, because you're going to be eating fruit, and that's totally healthy.
If I see one more picture of that "salad" I may just shove a Granny Smith right up Ronald McDonald's wazoo.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
I'M MELTINGGGGGG
It's sticky disgustingly hot and I would really be amped if the powers that be would change the dress code here to include flip-flops and shorts.
We could be just like an Old Navy commercial! Think of the morale boost! Before you know it we simple office grunts would be dancing to old Motown hits and smiling cheesily for all and sundry.
Iced coffee drinks for all would be a nice way for the Bossman to say that he cares, too, since obviously he is too cheap to turn the fucking air conditioner up to a reasonable level. Right now everyone is pretty crabby but I think that if one stuck a Dunk-a-Moch-a-ccino in everyone's face, things would improve rapidly.
I am such a great idea woman and am absolutely fucking wasted in my current position.
We could be just like an Old Navy commercial! Think of the morale boost! Before you know it we simple office grunts would be dancing to old Motown hits and smiling cheesily for all and sundry.
Iced coffee drinks for all would be a nice way for the Bossman to say that he cares, too, since obviously he is too cheap to turn the fucking air conditioner up to a reasonable level. Right now everyone is pretty crabby but I think that if one stuck a Dunk-a-Moch-a-ccino in everyone's face, things would improve rapidly.
I am such a great idea woman and am absolutely fucking wasted in my current position.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
MY GOD I AM A SLACKER
So. I am really inept at this whole "updating the blog" thing that seems to come so easily to my prolific friends.
Why? Well I would like to say that it is because I am simply too busy having mad passionate sex to bother turning on the computer box, or that I have been running marathons, plotting to overthrow the current lack of government, or something equally scintillating.
The fact is that none of these things are true and I just have been doing a lot of working, a lot of going out with the friends, and a lot of swearing regarding the huge influx of tourist-type people that have flooded my dear city.
I hate the Taste of Chicago. There, I said it. It is ri-damn-diculous to pay good money for all those tickets. I like to go and see the bands, but I hate the throngs of silly people wearing far far too little clothing on far far too much body - people who have apparently grown up with no knowledge of that wonderful thing called deodorant.
One thing I do like are those ridiculously sweet Mai Tais because let's face it, there is really nothing quite like schlepping around with a sugary alcoholic monstrosity in the summertime, but in line I am always stuck behind three thousand people from WisCahhhnsin who are dripping sweat and barbeque sauce and a mighty mighty stench and it scares me quite deeply.
And how is your summer?
Why? Well I would like to say that it is because I am simply too busy having mad passionate sex to bother turning on the computer box, or that I have been running marathons, plotting to overthrow the current lack of government, or something equally scintillating.
The fact is that none of these things are true and I just have been doing a lot of working, a lot of going out with the friends, and a lot of swearing regarding the huge influx of tourist-type people that have flooded my dear city.
I hate the Taste of Chicago. There, I said it. It is ri-damn-diculous to pay good money for all those tickets. I like to go and see the bands, but I hate the throngs of silly people wearing far far too little clothing on far far too much body - people who have apparently grown up with no knowledge of that wonderful thing called deodorant.
One thing I do like are those ridiculously sweet Mai Tais because let's face it, there is really nothing quite like schlepping around with a sugary alcoholic monstrosity in the summertime, but in line I am always stuck behind three thousand people from WisCahhhnsin who are dripping sweat and barbeque sauce and a mighty mighty stench and it scares me quite deeply.
And how is your summer?
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
THERE WAS NO WARNING
I ate guacamole tacos for lunch - so good, so tasty.
They were a bit spicy but I really didn't think much of that fact until I had to go and ask the big bossman for some petty cash.
As I leaned over his large grownup toy cluttered desk to sign the form something did not feel right and suddenly the loudest belch ever to come from my stomach came screaming forth and flew right into the face of my employer.
No hole opened up in the floor to swallow me and save me from the worst embarrassment of my life so I was forced to shriek EXCUSE ME and run back into my office as he laughed his ass off like the mean mean man that he is.
I am never coming out of here. Never.
They were a bit spicy but I really didn't think much of that fact until I had to go and ask the big bossman for some petty cash.
As I leaned over his large grownup toy cluttered desk to sign the form something did not feel right and suddenly the loudest belch ever to come from my stomach came screaming forth and flew right into the face of my employer.
No hole opened up in the floor to swallow me and save me from the worst embarrassment of my life so I was forced to shriek EXCUSE ME and run back into my office as he laughed his ass off like the mean mean man that he is.
I am never coming out of here. Never.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I WOULD LIKE A SAMUEL JACKSON, PLEASE
I will never understand beer snobs. This seems to be a trait that is limited to the bepenised, as I don't often hear the ladies complaining about lack of flavor and chutzpah in a brew nor do I forsee Muffy in the office down the hall opening her own little microbrewery in her little Lincoln Park habitrail.
I do have my limits and would never drink Strohs out of the can but I don't see the point in paying five dollah for some fancy-dancy German beer when this country makes a damned fine product for which this humble blog is named.
Pale ale, special dark brew, founder's island ancient lager, it's all the same bitter-tasting overpriced yuppie crap to me.
I do have my limits and would never drink Strohs out of the can but I don't see the point in paying five dollah for some fancy-dancy German beer when this country makes a damned fine product for which this humble blog is named.
Pale ale, special dark brew, founder's island ancient lager, it's all the same bitter-tasting overpriced yuppie crap to me.
THAT POPE IS ONE TOUGH MF'ER
Popes seem to hang in there longer than most old people.
I wonder if this is because they have curried favor with the Big Cheese or whether they are dipping into the holy water on the sly.
Wouldn't you?
I wonder if this is because they have curried favor with the Big Cheese or whether they are dipping into the holy water on the sly.
Wouldn't you?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A QUARTER
President Bush would like another 81.9 billion dollars to fund troops overseas.
81.9 billion dollars.
I think I might be willing to donate two thirds of my salary toward that figure and hell I would even vote Republican if Bush would beg Congress for even half that amount for something like say, AIDS and cancer research, better public schools, decent government funded healthcare for those who need it.
Instead your and my tax dollars are going marching to war like good little soldiers. Pony up.
81.9 billion dollars.
I think I might be willing to donate two thirds of my salary toward that figure and hell I would even vote Republican if Bush would beg Congress for even half that amount for something like say, AIDS and cancer research, better public schools, decent government funded healthcare for those who need it.
Instead your and my tax dollars are going marching to war like good little soldiers. Pony up.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
HANGOVER WEDNESDAY
I am not a Catholic but the practice of going out and consuming mass quantities of beer is something I consider to be a darn good precursor to a religious holiday.
Therefore I joined my soon-to-be-abstinent Catholic friends for a Fat Tuesday pub crawl and wound up covered in Mardi Gras beads and overloaded with giant two-liter plastic tankards of cheap beer.
Today I am feeling as if an entire church full of Catholics has congregated in my head and is singing GLORY IN EXCELSIS DEEEO. MILLER YOU ARE NOT SO SMAAART-O. NEXT TIME SAVE IT FOR THE WEEEEEKEND.
Therefore I joined my soon-to-be-abstinent Catholic friends for a Fat Tuesday pub crawl and wound up covered in Mardi Gras beads and overloaded with giant two-liter plastic tankards of cheap beer.
Today I am feeling as if an entire church full of Catholics has congregated in my head and is singing GLORY IN EXCELSIS DEEEO. MILLER YOU ARE NOT SO SMAAART-O. NEXT TIME SAVE IT FOR THE WEEEEEKEND.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
IN TODAY'S NEWS
In today's headlines I see that juice is now considered bad for children and will make them obese. Hi-C and Kool-Aid are also culprits. I can't say that I am surprised about the latter given that its spokesperson is certainly no skinny minnie.
Apparently the only solution for parents is to feed children a steady diet of cardboard and crack cocaine so as to avoid having a fat kid, because nobody loves a fat kid.
Apparently the only solution for parents is to feed children a steady diet of cardboard and crack cocaine so as to avoid having a fat kid, because nobody loves a fat kid.
Miller would like you to know that she is not in any way affiliated with Miller Lite or Miller Brewing Company, although she does enjoy their fine product and would be more than happy to accept free samples in lieu of payment for her endorsement.
